I can no longer be selfish. My time is not my own. I might be hungry, or tired, or just needing to go to the loo, but these needs now come second. I can't just jump in the car and go down town to do some shopping. A trip down town now requires every second to be planned, so that it fits into the little window of time when the baby will be happy - after a sleep, and a feed, and a nappy change.
I feel ungrateful when I miss my old life. I quickly squash any negative feelings because I don't want to feel that way.
I don't like clothes with a faint smell of baby spew, but I wouldn't change anything, right?
I don't enjoy changing nappies which explode over a clean white jumpsuit, and the change table, and my white skirt, and the white quilt on the bed beside the change table.
I didn't ever imagine Miss M would end up crowding our bed with her presence night after night, because we were desperate for sleep.
I used to clean the house once a week, and it'd stay clean. How do babies end up with so many toys?! And so. many. clothes!
I want to eat my meal in peace, at a decent hour, without a squirming worm on my lap, grabbing my mashed potato and wiping it on my freshly washed hair.
The effort it takes to re-run a fresh bath because my mini-me has pooed and weed and spewed into the one I just placed her in can be just too much.
I want this phase to end, and yet I want her to stay a baby forever!
No-one prepares you for the immense responsibility you will feel, and the overwhelming emotions and worry that come when your baby is sick. I didn't think I could care so much for a tiny helpless baby than to constantly check on them while they are asleep.
The nights are the hardest. The nights can be so long. The crying can feel like it will never end. Why can this little person sleep so well in the day, but not during the night? My eyes hang out of my head, and my mind is consumed by needing just one good night's sleep...
And then 6am comes, and the light streams through my partially opened blinds in my room.
And I look down at my daughter sleeping peacefully in my arms.
And everything is ok again.
It's all worth it.
It's a love like no other.
A love that brings tears to your eyes the first time they grasp your finger. The first time they stare up at you with those big blue eyes. The first time they bury their head into your chest. The first time they cry because they only want mummy. The first time they sit, and clap, and wave, and reach up to you for a cuddle. The first time they smile and laugh. And that baby laugh! It melts your heart. The first time you see the incredible love your husband has for this beautiful miracle as he stares down at his daughter.
The love I have for Miss M is indescribable, and it grows every single day. She is such an amazing gift, and I thank God everyday for her. All the sleepless nights are absolutely worth it. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. I can't wait to see her grow, and change, and for her to learn all the amazing things about this world, and for her to teach me new things too. But of course, I want my sweet little girl to stay an 8-month old forever too...
[For more, check out this blog post by Twenty-first Century Lady - Becoming Mummy]